Monday, March 3, 2014

The decision that never helped..

He woke up with a start.. His palms were sweaty and he was breathing heavily. Place him next to the situation when he's just finished running his regular 1.5 km evening jog and you wouldn't spot a difference.

"It must have been a bad dream", Rohit thought, sitting upright on his bed. Now that he was awake, he cursed this "bad dream", turned on the lights and looked around for his bottle of water. "Oh, I forgot filling water last night". He ambled towards the kitchen trying to recall the dream which woke him up.

Ten minutes later, he was sitting on his computer chair, scratching his head over some thought. This time around, however, it was not about his bad dream (He tried a lot to recall the same and finally gave up). He was in a pensive mood, reflecting upon his dreams..

"When was the last time I woke up in the morning and felt great about the dream I saw(?)?"
"When was the last time I ever dreamt at night?"

He wasn't able to recall any of his dreams !! Perhaps, he never had had a dream for a long time now !! "What happened to Rohit, the Dreamer?" he wondered. After, what seemed like half an hour, his brain started to throw hints.. "Think of the last time you did something different, something that gave you sleepless nights". "It must be something that I have been really passionate about, or else I generally do not lose sleep on anyhing" !!

Oh yes, it was the book he had published.. It was in June 2011.. A good 30 months back !! "So you mean to say that I never had any dreams (worth remembering) since that day?" he asked himself..

Now, more than just wondering, he was anxious now.. He recalled reading somewhere that dreaming is always a good thing and that it was a call of one's sub-conscious mind.. A dream is sub-conscious mind's interesting way of influencing people when they wake up..

"Think Rohit Think !! What has happened since June 2011 that has resulted in this?"

He started analyzing all the events that happened in his life since June 2011 and tried correlating the same with his lack of dream.

- Enrolling in an MBA - "I don't think so, MBA makes you dream of bigger things in life"
- Leaving my regular Dance Practices - "Not quite sure, but gut feeling says this ain't the reason"
- Saying Bye-Bye to the biker in me - "I always enjoyed biking but that wasn't something I dreamt about day n night"
- My decision to stop writing blogs - "Ah, no ways.. How can deciding to stop blogging/expressing your views possibly affect my dreams".

That was THE moment of realization..
That was it !! His mind wasn't ready to accept but he actually knew it..

- By deciding to stop scribbling mindlessly in blogs/books, he had stopped expressing himself.

- By deciding not to waste time and be more efficient in utilizing the "limited time" he had, he had unintentionally capped his thought processes to analytical and visible stimuli.

- "Its when you're writing that you analyse 100 different possibilities of expressing your thoughts. A lot of time, you're confused how to express your thoughts.. That is when you sleep over it !! The next day, almost everytime, you had your answers..

- His decision "Not to write" had invariably prevented him from listening to his inner calling.

- His sub-conscious thoughts did not have a meaningful outlet anymore.

"That is why I've not been dreaming and sleeping has become a process of "just" resting my body". This was a scary thought.. And almost like a resolution, his mind was made.. "It's gonna be a great challenge, starting to write all over again, you're gonna fail a couple of times or half a dozen times" declared his mind..

It was 12 30 AM (midnight) and Rohit had to wake up early morning for some "important" work to complete.. But he was searching for a scribble-pad and a pen in his almirah.

He definitely wanted to start all over again, by expressing very thought process.. 


The no-(no non-sense) guy... said...

hmmm... while it is undoubtedly nice and positively delightful to be caught up in officially mundane crap at the middle of the night :| it was a nice break to read the blog. also pleasant to realize that you've started again. needless to say, I'd be observing this journey with great interest :-)

Ginger Sanches said...

That is a sad note. I've remind me of some easier thing. It related to the everyday life. All those little essay writing services decisions which forms yours life without your awareness. Just somehow. That is to say quite random.